|i CANT ALWAYS BE THE ONE TO TAKE THE STEPS
|11/24/06 - 5:16 pm]
life. what would i do without you?
not be here, thats for sure.
lately, ive been completely enjoying you.
somethings been shining down on me.
and im not complaining.
its been quite wonderful.
shes one of my heros.
she would give anything for my cousin.
actually, she has given everything for her.
&somehow, she just keeps giving more.
shes becoming a foster mom.
im so proud of her.
she will be fully certified within three weeks.
&because im over eighteen.
i can babysit for her.
i have to go through some tests &whatnot.
shes going to set everything up for me.
i love babysitting.
i figured it was the least i could do for her.
&well, for my cousin.
because they mean so much to me.
my aunt and cousins came over for thanksgiving last night.
we all just sat around talking, watching tv, and looking at the sales papers.
it was fun.
all of us.
watching maison run around.
a little kids innocence amazes me.
i really love it.
ive always believed that wishes came true.
it had just never happened to me before.
well, wouldnt you know.
it finally happened.
after wishing for the same thing,
it finally came true.
it was. . . amazing.
all those silly little reasons there are to make a wish.
t h e y w o r k .
holding your breath going under tunnels.
making a wish on the first star you see.
at least it did for me.
took a while.
but it happened :)
christmas is coming.
i cant wait.
i love it.
oh so much.
i might go to florida a couple of days after christmas.
i couldnt be more excited about it.
going down there,
i love it so much.
they amaze me.
their love for me.
i cant even believe it sometimes.
i hope that i never disappoint them.
i love work down there.
there are so many people.
i love all of them.
cant wait to see them.
i have some really wonderful friends.
actually, i have a lot of friends.
and they all amaze me beyond believe.
their love and compassion for things.
its so. huge.
i cant even believe it sometimes.
im so blessed to have them.
i wouldnt be as far as i am without them.
they all give me something different.
but its so unique and special.
i really love my camera.
i think its pretty cute.
&jeana &i have the same one.
although hers is broken.
i cant get it to hook up to the laptop.
i wish it would.
so i could show everyone the pictures i have.
mostly from the football games.
because thats what i do.
sorry if you read all this.
didnt mean to waste your time.
hope youre having a wonderful break.
|THiS iSN`T A REAL ENTRY BUT OH WELL :)
|8/11/06 - 9:40 pm]
so yeah. not a real entry. but whatever :P
Once you are tagged you MUST write an entry about 6 weird habits/things you do/odd information, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged and list their names.
1- i count. in my head. all the time. random things. for no reason. not really sure why i do it, but i do. i cant really remember a time when i didnt do it. hah.
2- i brush my hair. all the time. just because i can. anytime i walk into my room, chances are im going to brush through my hair within five minutes of being in there.
3- i give advice all the time. its one of my favorite things to do. its something im good at. but when it comes to myself, i rarely know what to do.
4- im almost eighteen. i dont have my drivers license. it doesnt bother me. please dont bug me about it.
5- i adore my friends. not because they are cool. or they are nice. or we have a good time together. thats all just a plus. i love them because they are all different. i can learn from them. i love things that are unique. all of them are. i like learning. especially about people.
6- pictures are amazing. i love taking pictures of anything. but im not a fan of having my picture taken. its very rare that i want my picture taken or that ill give in and let someone take pictures of me.
hm. who should i tag? i dont know. hahah. whoever wants to do it :)
i love you guys. <3
|"BE GREAT IN ACT AS YOU HAVE BEEN IN THOUGHT" --SHAKESPEARE
|4/5/06 - 4:12 pm]
so, last night was definitely a night of thinking.
i thought about how much i love adrienne. &how amazing our notebook is-- its become a lifeline for us. &how she has helped me with everything this year. she knows me better than anyone. she knows things about me that i could never tell other people. she can look at me &in a split second she knows everything thats going through my mind. &i love being her twin. its crazy. we are so parallel with so many things, yet we are so different. idk, we just mesh. i love it. &i love her more.
i thought about how much i love kristin. shes become one of my best friends in such a short period of time. i have learned to confide in her. &it feels wonderful to have someone to turn to. she has become one of the biggest sources of my happiness. i see her face &it just makes me smile. she is such a happy and down-to-earth person. we have wonderful conversations and times together. she helps keep me grounded and sane. i guess thats why i love her so much. she's amazing.
and then i thought about my dad. i took a survey last night &it asked when the last time i had seen my dad. and i thought about it &i couldnt really remember. &that hurt. it hurt a lot. i miss my dad. i miss the times when he was actually there. when he was a part of my everyday life. when i felt like he loved me. i know that hes always loved me. but sometimes it just doesnt feel like he does. he missed my birthday. he didnt even call me to tell me happy birthday. and while it might not have been my sweet sixteen or my eighteenth, its STILL my birthday. and that still agravates the hell out of me. it makes me feel like im not good enough for him. like im unworthy. and that disgusts me. and then christmas. he didnt come. he didnt even call. and christmas is one of my favorites. i get to see all my family. but in actuality, i didnt get two of my huge family christmases. and one of them was his fault. it was his fault because he wasnt there. and i hate him for it. &what makes it even worse is, i know that something is wrong. i havent seen him in over 15 months. i havent talked to in at least 4 months. his phone is turned off. and i dont know. i just dont. i dont want to care anymore. im tired of caring. but no matter how much i want to stop caring, my heart never could. my heart would never let me do something like that. because i do care. i truly do care. it just hurts. it hurts to care. and i absolutely hate that. i hate hurting. &im tired of caring. i dont feel like he does. &that angers me. &this just isnt going anywhere.
then, i got annoyed because i hate waiting. waiting is something i dont tend to do well. but im kind of forced to. because im not giving up until i get my answer. &im worried about the whole ordeal. i totally put myself out there. i poured my heart out. &thats all i can do. im completely out there. waiting. and im bored. just tell me already. grr. whatever. itll be over soon enough.
so, im done rambling. ill be home on saturday afternoon-ish. then sometime after that, ill be off to a uga gymnastics meet with miss liz. :) then hopefully ill be able to go to six flags with miss harmon, homeboy, &emily. gahhh. im excited.
i was glad to hear that louie &missa's surgeries both went ok. however, they are both in pain. but they'll be good as new soon. and i love them both imensely. <33
everyone else- have a fabulous rest of your spring break. :)
i love you. <33
|Our Friendship Is Different From Everyone Else
|3/17/06 - 5:37 pm]
i love my friends.
because they are amazing.
adrienne: ahh. you are my hero. i learned how to trust someone. im glad it was you.
kristin: i love my wife. end of story. thanks for always being there for me.
kim: you are so cute. glad we started talking.
cris: ahh. glad i get to hang out with you in language arts.
chris: what would i do without you in german? yeah--idk either. lol
liz: cant wait for another uga night so we can hang out.
jeana: love rockin out, &dancing, with you in yo car.
brittany: german is boring. but glad you are with me.
ashley: i miss sitting behind you. im on the other side of the room :(
carlos: goshhhh. i love you. you make me smile.
lauren: hah. you are too cute giiiirl. i miss our signs.
arch: i miss you in math. you should come back.
melissa: i think id die without you in physics. glad we get to hang out. :)
english: you always make me laugh. no matter what.
mark: ahh. i love your hugs. you are amazing.
kyla: girlfriend, i love you. too bad we cant really talk in band.
roger: too much fun hanging out with you.
kristen: i won. every game we played. hahah
johnathan: thanks for listening to me. it means the world.
matt b: gooossshhhh, i love you. not even kidding.
mandie: you are so sweet. i love seeing you everyday.
just some of my awesome friends.
sorry if i forgot you.
it wasnt on purpose.
--Christina: your name was DEFINITELY on there. but my computer froze. i thought your name was still on there. im SOOOO sorry. but anyways, you are absolutely one of the most amazing people i have ever met. and i cant imagine where i would be without you. i love you so much. <33
|and it only gets better from here.
|2/2/06 - 12:40 am]
the last two days i feel like i hit rock bottom. and if i didnt, i was close.
i spent the last 12 hours being mad at one of the most amazing people. ever. but, we are ok now. and i feel a lot better. because its all going to work out. and i learned im going to have to trust him a little more. and thats going to be hard. because i dont think i really know how to trust someone. but im going to work on trusting him. i think he deserves it. i give him hell sometimes, and he STiLL puts up with me. im lucky.
and i think i have come to the conclusion that if i had to let one person rule my life, it would be adrienne. because she rocks. shes my twin. and we share a heart. out of all my closest friends, i talk to her the least. and yet, somehow, she seems to know me the best. she tells me everything i wont admit to myself. straight up. not sugar-coated. and thats what i need. because i dont really get things when people sugar-coat. i find that pointless. i think she knows me better than i know myself. and she called me yesterday becuase she needed some twin-time. so we talked. and icant tel you how much better we both felt after we talked. and today, i needed her. i needed her a lot. and i called her and she came to my rescue. she is my hero.
and last night. i called johnathan. i swear sometimes i dont know what i would do without him. he just listens and lets me babble on and on. and i swear he isnt listening. but then, he'll interrupt and ask a question that no one else would ask about whatever im talking about. he always offers a point-of-view no one else does. as much as i tease him and whatnot, hes really one of those people that ill never forget.
and adrienne and johnathan are the only two people that know EVERYTHING right now. and thats because they are the only people i feel comfortable spilling my guts out too. the two of them knowing is perfect for me. im happy with them being the only two knowing everything.
i know you guys only want the best for me. i know that. you are my friends and i love you all very dearly, but you dont know the whole story. you are no where even close to knowing. please dont try pushing things on me. there are several big things going on that you dont realize and you dont know about. and you may never know them. but thats not because i dont love you. its just because i cant. i dont like everyone being in business. and i hate people tlking about me. however, those are both inevitable, at least at some point in life. and i accept that. and thats part of the reason why im not expaining everything to all of you. because that creates more talking. and i just dont want to deal with it anymore. i hope you guys arent mad at me. and that you dont hate me. because i really do love you guys.
on a better note, things are looking up. way up. and im excited. <33
|dont know what the crap im gonna do.
|1/24/06 - 4:48 pm]
i. dont. know.
the one person i wanna talk to is grounded.
and that sucks majorly.
because i need her.
she is the only one that gets it.
yes, she is the only one.
|ahhhhh. yayyy. <3333
|1/9/06 - 6:51 pm]
so, today, ahh.
i loved it. for real.
came in early.
talked with my twin.
aaahhh. wonderful in itself.
met melissa and went to daly's.
our board looks awesome by the way. ;)
but i was happy.
austin, leslie, cris and gaby.
they. are. amazing.
i just wanted to let you know.
my word of the day= shimmering. :D
because, i like it.
and shimmery stuff. <33
another easy day in there.
i understand sine//cosine//&&tangent.
and unit circle is effin easy.
yaayyy for easy grade. :)
yeah, me and nina rock.
in case you didnt know.
more triangle stuff for me :)
and a LOVELY note from melissa.
<33 ahh. yyaaaayyyyy. :D
actually, a good song. :)
and richard drank a 2 liter at lunch.
wtf. i find that quite humorous.
and, bybee isnt as funny as he thinks he is.
or likes to think he is.
i love how great today was.
all things considered.
ehh, too bad you dont know.
heh. sucks for you.
and one of my language arts vocabulary words is ecstatic.
and i love that word. <33
it makes me happy. :)
|cant help falling in love with you
|12/26/05 - 8:41 pm]
so i love how you ruin everything.
how in the world do you always manage this?
i dont freakin understand.
but you know what. whatever.
so christmas was pretty good.
i really love my family.
and i love being with them.
and i love how i spent the ENTIRE day texting you.
because it was fun. :) <33
250//300 texts all to you kid.
haha. hope your are happy. :P
christmas dinner at my gramas tonight.
yay for more family time.
really dont get enough of that sometimes.
i love my little munchkins.
because they make me happy. <33
so i really need to talk to you.
only i dont want to bring this up.
because im too scared of hurting you.
well, of hurting you again. :\
because i always seem to mess things up.
and i dont want to.
but i wanna be happy too.
grr. freakin amazing, right?
i hope everyone christmas was fabulous.
|there is only so much pain that one teenage girl's heart can take
|12/23/05 - 1:37 am]
so i finished the perks of being a wallflower.
and idk. i just dont feel as changed, or as moved, or as much love for it as everyone else did.
maybe it was because i had heard that it was so good so many times.
when i finished it, i was just like, oh, its over? well, ok.. so anyways.
i just felt like it kinda ended.
i dont really know.
maybe ill read it again.
maybe itll make more sense then.
so this break,
well, thats what its been.
i havent really done anything.
feels like i just took a break from everything.
and, well, everyone. =(
the only thing i have really done is go to kristin's.
which, i must say, is always awesome.
we watched tv and played with left over wrapping paper.
fell asleep and were woken up by her brother tickling us and his friend mike.
went downstairs and we all got on the couch and watched movies and fell asleep.
woke up and ate.
watched napoleon dynamite and just hung out.
ben came over later and we all just hung out on the couch.
lots of fun at that house. =)
other than that, i read perks and i am almost done with the sudoku book liz gave me thursday? :D i have about 50 left. :( i guess ill go back to doing my other book of them. hahhhahaah. <333
ohhh. and i cant forget to tell you that i talked to adrienne. and yaaaayyyy. =) made me happy. because i love her. and shes amazing. and we rock each others lives. basically. yeah. good times. we are the fantabulous twins. heck yesss. i love her. <3333333333
<3 HaPPy HoLiDaYs <3
<3<3 i love you <3<3
|so i finally figured out what my life is about.
|12/17/05 - 7:06 pm]
so i love my mom.
because she told me everything i needed to know.
and im pretty sure this is how she sees me.
i am "nothing" like her.
i have failed at everything ive ever tried.
or done for that matter.
i suck at life.
and i have no purpose.
i will never be able to do anything right.
and i should just stop trying.
im not worth anything.
because i screw everything up.
despite how simple the task should really be.
i will never amount to anything.
thats only because i am incompetent.
im not perfect.
and thats only because i cant mock her perfectly.
but thats okay.
i dont want to mock her. i dont want to be like my mother at all really.
who the hell would want to be my mother?
if you do, you are no more of a sorry person than she is.
and i completely mean that.
im tired of her.
im tired of not being perfect.
of being yelled at it for it.
of being a completely stupid person to her.
i hate that she doesnt listen to me.
she'll never see me as me.
because she is too busy trying to make me someone im not.
and i know it kills her that i wont be who she wants me to be.
i spend so much effort trying to be who i am because she doesnt accept it.
and ninety percent of the time i want to give up.
im tired of fighting for me.
but i know that one day it will be worth it.
and one day ill get my way and i can prove to her that she doesnt always get thngis the way she wants them.
and thats going to kill her.
maybe then she'll learn.
so who's house do i get to stay at for the rest of the break. ;)